It's been a while (again) since I've wrote.

And it'll be longer the next time.

Why?

Because all my dreams came true.

And a paper journal is so much more personal.

It's been a long time since I last wrote something on this blog.  I've been out of touch with my blogging self, mainly because I finally found some ways to actually live my life than bitch about the bad things.  It was nice while it lasted, but now I need a way to let off some steam.  I should be reading literature for my paper, but I seriously might vomit if I continue reading about cervical cancer.

Mindfuckers suck. 

My step-dad is up to his old tricks.  Things are nice when everyone is kosher, but of course, the triggers sneak back into our life and we all lose it.  I'm not particularily found of when he loses it, because it tends to send the whole family into uproar.  This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't the dog that everyone kicks.  Mom's targeted me once again.  Her anger for him is always directed towards me after an ordeal like yesterday's.  She has called me a "cow," "heifer," "liar," and "bitch" since Sunday.  I can take bitch, because I have been called that since we lived in Pittsburgh.  Liar has always been a touchy insult for me.  Yes, I have lied to her in the past, but to bring it out in the open like she does sometimes makes me feel ill.  I have never wanted to lie to her, but she can't shelter me for the rest of my life.  She wants to, but I need to fly eventually on my own.  Finally, we come to cow and heifer.  These two names makes me cry like a baby.  Seriously, no grown woman should cry over stupid names like those.  But, it reminds me of being in middle school and having those mean girls calling me that in the bathroom.  Also, I have self-esteem issues when it comes to my weight.  I play it off like it means nothing to me, but goddammit, I want to be toned and healthy like I use to be.  I miss running so much some days.  I'm so busy nowadays that I can't run like I want to.  That's besides the point.  I wish she wouldn't stoop so low when she's pissed at someone else in this family.  I wish she would target those at which she's angry, but she won't. 

I can't wait to move.

I worry about my brother and sister when times go like these.  My brother is blissfully unaware of the situation.  My sister, though, is a clever little butt munch.  I hate to see her upset, but she knows how to survive.  I wish I could take lessons off of a 10-year old, but it's a bit hard, especially when I can get her to cry because I tell her she's making shortcuts when she's doing long division.  She knows how to handle Mom.  Mom's older now and has a little less gumption now than when I was little.  I remember her beating the holy hell out of me back in middle school when she found out I kissed a boy.  But sis can keep her calm, but not take her shit.  I can't do that, never could.  I just remember the beatings and start crying.  I guess I would rather take the shit than her put it on the kids.  They already have a crazy-ass father.  They don't need an emotionally abusive mother on top of that.  I can handle it.  I don't know if they can.

God, I am such a pussy.

I've picked up smoking again.  It's not like one every afternoon like before.  It's one every now and then.  But...I ended up smoking too many this afternoon.  I smoked some at school after class.  Then, after I got home, I had to leave the house and walk around my neighborhood to prevent losing my cool.  I smoked a couple walking around with my brother.  We talked about things.  It was nice, in a masochistic way.  I'm going to try not smoke after I get up.  I might actually feel like a good person if I do.

I hate myself sometimes.

One of my biggest character flaws is the inability to let go of things.  I want to blame this on losing my dad at such a young age.  We get conditioned as we grow that it's hard to learn the right way of living.  My boyfriend recently broke up with me.  Now, it seems like I can't let him go.  He's in my thoughts and dreams and it's irritating as fuck.  All I want is to hug him, cuddle with him, and kiss him.  I know that I have to let him go.  I can't make him be in a relationship with me if he doesn't want to.  I know he's right and that we should just go our separate ways.  But I am having a hell of a time.  I want him...I've been close to people in the past, but he somehow got me to connect with him on a level that I have never allowed before.  He connected not with my happiness, but with my melancholy, and by doing this, he made me super happy.  It kills me that I might lose the happiness I have felt.  We agreed to be friends, but I know how my mind works.  I want to be friends, but my heart will still tug a bit when he's around.  My hands will want to find his.  My hair will yearn to be stroked.  It's fucking messed up, but it happens.  I wish I could give up caring overnight and then being friends wouldn't be so physically exhausting.  I will say though, he will allow me things no one in their right mind should give me.  He gets me like that.  Again, fucking messed up, but I am appreciative.  I'll live in my fucked-up world and enjoy the bliss.

I want peace.

My stomach is churning.  I'm on my period, so getting nauseous isn't something new.  It's going past midnight, though, and I would like to get some sleep tonight.  I've been restless and sleep would be heaven.  I should have taken a melotonin earlier, but I really wanted to get some reading done tonight.  Plus, I am wet and cold.  Maybe tomorrow night will be better.  It better be, because I could see my willpower breaking before the week is over.  I don't want to be a mindless zombie like before.

Here we go again.

Well, here's to a hopefully peaceful night, though the outlook is unfriendly.  I just hope not to fuck things up anymore and get everything major finished before the week's end.

Days like today make me want to cut myself so badly.  I want to feel the endorphins I felt as that shiny razor grazed my skin, producing those tiny beads of ruby blood.  I want to feel the anger as pain, so I can deal with it better. 

But I don't want to be addicted to that again.  So, I resist.

It's so tempting, though...

EDIT: Forced apologies are not taken lightly in my head.  Go fuck off.  Seriously.  Don't fucking ask me for anything.  I do so much for this family and everyone treats me like shit.

So fucking tempting...